Northern Apex

I can't believe it has been over 50 days since I last posted here. It wasn't an intentional lapse, it's just that this is a declaratory format for me, not an exploratory one, and I had nothing to declare. Let's see, what have I been up to since I last posted . . . I have moved, gotten divorced, and started a new job - pretty much the trifecta of stress for an adult male in America. I guess I should be thankful I have weathered things so well, all things considered.

The move . . . . I am not living where I thought I would be, and I am still not at peace with that decision. I feel there is more for me to help with in Idaho but I also feel there are some very big things to be accomplished here in Maine, some of which are not clear. I have had to make a sometimes painful transition from a fearless adventurer who can do anything to a son and baby brother who needs protecting and pretty much screws up everything. And yet, my abilities dreams and passions are like banked coals, protected from a (probably imaginary) storm of criticism and doubt by a thick layer of insulating ash. In the quiet of the early mornings I scrape back the ash and make sure things are still hot underneath and I am terrified of the day I discover my fire is out.

The divorce . . . . very painful for me but necessary. There really isn't anything else to say. I think of the girls daily and wish things were different. I hope their Mom is happy and has found someone she likes more and can truly love with all her heart. KC and Lydia, I love you always and am here as a Dad if you ever want me. My cell number and email are the same. I hope to see you at Trevor's wedding.

The new job . . . . I took the most challenging one of the offers and it requires all of my abilities when I am there. I am learning quickly and the pay and benefits package is decent for the area. I work nights right now (the irony!) and have been very protective of my time and schedule so I can have as normal a life as possible. I have many small pleasures . . . time with my Dad and brother, an extended riding season (I'm riding to work tonight, November 10th!), time to read and reflect. I watched, dismayed, as some dreams dissolved before my eyes and I've carefully built new ones to take their place.

I am for now, (too) safe. After 13 weeks of vacation, I began work on Halloween night. I had nothing to do with my first paycheck but place it in savings, I stay in a spare bedroom that is almost as big as the first floor of my log cabin in Alaska, I know nothing of deprivation. I belong here though - I pulled in to a rest area a couple days ago and it no longer felt like home, the wanderer has settled. I know why I am here, to learn humility. I have mastered a lot of other tough lessons in life, and I'll apply myself to learning this newest challenge on the road to the apex. I certainly have some help learning this one . . . .

So, I'm back posting! Cheers everyone, I'll get the pictures posted from the Idaho to Maine portion of the trip soon. It's interesting, I tried posting yesterday and the post was lost due to problems with the Blogger site . . . today's post is nothing like yesterdays, so strange . . . .